We found this hilarious how-to guide on getting laid.

When the hell was this written and what kind of morons actually follow this advice?

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How to Get a Female to Let You Fuck Her!

In today’s society, it is relativly easy to get laid, but it does
always help when you have a GAME-PLAN! This is what I am about to offer
you, A planned way to get your prick into a female’s virgina (cunt).

Getting a woman to willingly drop her pants for you is not what would
be classified as an easy task, but the ultimate result of a warm and wet
pussy snuggly wrapped around your throbbing cock is certainly well worth
your most earnest effort!

First, Don’t bother trying to go after the most popular or the best
looking female in your life! That Bitch already has every stud in the world
trying to BANG her… Search out a plain looking female who looks like she
would be flattered by attention… This does NOT mean to pick a female who
is not worthy of your attemtion.

The selection of the TARGETED female is your initial step in the
procedure!

THE INITIAL ENCOUNTER AND COURTSHIP

Your selected Bitch should possess the following traits: She should
have an out going personality, a friendly smile and fairly large tits! She
should be very limited in The Dating Game, and she should not have a
current boyfriend. After all, this isn’t a lesson on how to pick up a Bimbo
or a common whore! This is a lesson on how to PREY on a young and innocent
female! You now want to show an interest in this female. Start out by
smiling at her when-ever you see her… After a few days, if you don’t
already know what her name is, BUMP into her by accident, and act
embarrassed, but keep smiling at her when you do this… Then take this
oppertunity to introduce yourself to her by exchanging names, and be sure
to compliment her that ‘She is one of the most attractive females that you
have seen in months!’

an interest in! (CHEAT! Find out one of her interests and study up on it!)
After all, this is the female that you have decided that you want to FUCK!
Now start SWEET TALKING your target! Mention to her that you heard that she
is also interested in WHATEVER! She will jump at this chance, unless you
are a FUCKING DORK, and then you should have gone after the DOG that looked
she should be BARKING AT THE MOON!

BREAKING THE ICE

At this point, you should already be sending out sexual signs to let the
female know her mind and brains are NOT your only interest! Look down at
her tits WHILE you are talking to her. DO NOT GAWK AT THEM, but simply let
her know that you’ve noticed that she has a PRETTY decent set of tits! If
she is still receptive of your advances, you are already 20% there!!!

It is now time to BACK OFF !!! You have accomplished your first step
in your journey toward Sexual gratification! She will need a day or two to
digest your encounter. With any LUCK, she will have bragged to a few of her
REALLY put the final nail in her Vaginal coffin, and make her an extremely
easy target!

When ever you see her, keep smiling, and keep letting her know that
you are STILL very interested in her. If you have a chance to chat with
her, REMEMBER to pay her compliments like ‘How PRETTY her hair looks, or
what a LOVELY dress she is wearing, or how INTOXICATING her perfume is!

It is now time to move in on your prey like a friggin MAD dog in
HEAT!!!

LET THE CHASE BEGIN!

It is now time to turn on your charms. You should be acting friendlier
and certainly more aggresive toward her as each day and hour passes.

It is now time to ask her out on a date that will involve your MUTUAL
interest. (Let the scenerio be that you both enjoy going to the movies.) It
see. This part takes some BALLS, but if you want to get laid, you gotta DO
IT! Ask her to go to that movie with you! You will have to pay her way.

The first date should be nothing more than holding hands in the movies
and maybe an occasional kiss. Unless she takes the initiative, DO NOT
attempt to sexually molest her, not yet anyway! After your FIRST date has
ended, make it a point to let her know what a GREAT time you had being with
her, and set up another date in a few days.. (This will again give her time
to BRAG to her girl friends about the WONDERFUL guy she has started to
date!)

She is now to falling into the ‘PEANUT BUTTER LEGS’ (Easy to spread)
trap! Your GETTING LAID game plan is now 40% complete! It is now time to
start the physical assault of the Bitch that you have targeted!

BAITING YOUR HOOK

to begin your physical assault of your chosen female! You must realize that
you simply can not rip off her clothing and just FUCK her! It must be done
with a smooth and sophisticated technique… It is now mandatory that you
relate to this female that you care DEEPLY about her! You must make her
feel that she is the ONLY female in the world that you have any genuine
feelings for… Once she believes that, ANYTHING is possible!!

The next step is to lure her into your apartment when nobody else is
home. If this is not possible, get her in a car and drive to a secluded
area. If there are no secluded areas, or lover’s lanes in your
neighborhood, try the back of the Cemetary or in back of an empty warehouse
or even in a vacant garage.

You have now arrived at the CRUCIAL point where this female must be
reassured that she is ‘THE SPECIAL GIRL IN YOUR LIFE’ (At least for this
evening!) It is now the proper time for your Sexual Assualt on her to
begin!

Foreplay is the most crucial and final step in your master Game Plan!
It requires gentleness, and the understanding of her inner fears. Unless
you have selected a totally clueless bitch, she has some idea of the
situation that she is about to get herself into.

Also, keep in mind that females enjoy sexual stimulation as much as
males, so you will actually be doing her a favor, if you do it right! It
must be pleasurable for her, or she may decide to reject your advances!

Look this female directly in the eyes, smile slightly and tell her
that she has the most beautiful eyes that you have ever looked into! Before
she can reply to your compliment, reach out and stroke her hair. Again
smile and tell her how soft and lovely her hair is. While you have your
hand on her hair, tell her how sensous her lips are. At the same moment,
curl your outstreched hand around the back of her neck, and pull her face
toward yours. Next, give her a tender kiss in the lips. Do not make it last
for more than two seconds.

Look directly into her eyes, tenderly smile at her, and again kiss
her, but this time make it last for about 10 seconds, and do it with a bit
more passion.

INITIATING FOREPLAY PART TWO

Reassure her that you care very much about her, and her feelings. This
part is extremely crucial! Most of all make DAMN sure that she understands
that you RESPECT her! If she falls for that line of SHIT, you are about 60%
there! In order for you to receive pleasure from a female, you must first
give her pleasure! Tenderly take this female into your arms and gently hug
her. While you are hugging her, put your head on her shoulder so your mouth
is near the side of her neck. Next start to gently kiss the side of her
neck. Move your mouth slightly after each kiss, but continue to work in the
same general area for about one full minute. This action will send shivers
of excitement through her whole body. At this point you should once again
kiss her on the lips. As you kiss her, gently slide your hands to her back
and with your fingers spread wide apart, firmly pull her body toward yours,
as you slightly massage her and relax her. Rub her shoulders, the back of
her neck, and the lower sides of her back. Continue these actions, as you
continue to kiss and caress the Bitch.

While you are kissing her neck, take a moment to take a deep breath and
gently breath into her ear. (DO NOT BLOW INTO IT, JUST BREATH INTO IT!)
This will arouse her PASSION and get her FEMALE SEX JUICES flowing!

INITIATING FOREPLAY PART THREE

At the first moment that you notice her mouth opening slightly while
you are kissing her, slide your tongue into her mouth and move it around
her tongue, and begin to kiss her slightly harder. Start to breath slightly
harder to let her know that she has started to get you excited! As you play
kissy tongue, slide one of your hands onto her chest, and very gently rub
it across her tit! She should not have any objection at this point. Keep
deeply kissing her and slide the other hand onto her other tit. Begin to
gently message her tits in a circular motion, while you also gently squeeze
them. Remember, you are not milking a friggin’ cow; you are seducing a
female!

It is now time for you to start upwrapping (undressing) your sexual
like unbuttoning your own shirt with one hand, days before this event takes
place.

Before you take the Bitch to the secluded area, you should make mental
notes of the type of blouse, dress, pants, nylons etc. that she is wearing.
Remember where the zippers are; see if her blouse buttons are in the front
or the back. If she is wearing a sweater, you may have to slide your hands
underneath it.

INITIATING FOREPLAY PART FOUR

If your selected Bitch is allowing you to fondle her tits through her
clothing she will also allow you undress her to the point that you can play
with them she is naked from the waist up. To do this, you must first
carefully unbutton her blouse or even assist her in removing her sweater.
Next you will be faced with removing her bra. Some of these little suckers
can be tricky! Most bras are hooked in the rear. The larger the tits, the
more hooks you’ll find! If you put your finger on one side of the hook and
your thumb on the other side then squeeze, the hook can be un-done with one
careful that you don’t tear any of her clothes, because her mother or
father might figure out what you have done to their daughter, and that
could lead to you receiving a severe beating!

Unless the Bitch helps you to totally remove the bra, don’t bother
trying to get it all the way off. Once the hooks are undone, you can slip
your hands beyond her stomach, up to her tits, and fondle to your heart’s
desire! Next, it is time to start sucking on her nipples! This causes a
wonderful sensation in a female’s body it actually activates her ‘I WANT
MORE’ button! Naturally, after 5 or 10 minutes of this TIT action, you will
be happy to oblige her!

INITIATING FOREPLAY PART FIVE

Do not just suck on her nipples. Move your tounge around it also.
Foreplay is a body massage done with your hands, fingers and tongue. The
entire intent of this exercise is to arouse the Bitch’s sexual
excitement…
At some point during your sexual attack, you may encounter some
resistance. The Bitch may say something like ‘PLEASE STOP!’ This is a
simple ploy used by many females, because they don’t want you to think that
they are a tramp! Ignore those stupid requests. You might consider putting
her at ease saying that you promise not to go any further than you have
already gone. (Lie to the Bitch! Tell her that you LOVE her! Tell her
WHATEVER she wants to hear!) Continue to kiss her, lick her, hold her,
squeeze her, rub her, suck on her nipples and fondle her… Continue your
sensual and sexual body massage…

There is a wonderful mechanism built into all females! It is an
audible report of the progress of your assault. Listen for her to start
breathing HEAVILY! This means that her defenses are weakening and her body
is now ready for the next step of your Game Plan! You are now ready to
attack her most private area! It is time to direct your efforts and energy
to getting your hand into her pants, so you can start rubbing her cunt!

IT’S TIME TO GET DOWN & DIRTY!

Before you can get at her cunt, you must continue to undress the
Bitch. This is a CRITICAL moment, because fear and panic may arise when she
realizes just how far she has already allowed you to proceed! You must
overcome any and all her objections at this point or ALL of your efforts
will be lost!
You may have to promise the Bitch that you will not go ‘ALL THE WAY!’
You just want to make her feel GOOD because you CARE about her and you LOVE
her, and be sure to let her know that if she cares about you, she will let
you rub her between her legs! When you first begin to rub her pussy, it
should be done over her clothing, until the sensation of sexual bliss
begins to further enhance her physical joy. Her breathing will become
noticibly increased and she will reach the point where she will start to
make moaning sounds.

You should still be kissing, hugging and rubbing her while you start
to loosen her pants. Assuming that the Bitch is breathing very heavily, and
is now in FULL heat, you should be able to unbutton or unzip her lower
garments so you can make enough room so you can comfortably slide your hand
between her legs. First, gently, then firmly rub the hairy area above her
cunt!

HOW TO PROPERLY FONDLE HER CUNT

You have now reached another crucial point in your molestation of the
Bitch. There are two ways to rub a cunt: The RIGHT way and The WRONG way.
If you do it the wrong way, and it is not satisfying to her, or even worse,
if you cause her any pain, you can TOTALLY forget about getting laid!

The very first step is to get her legs spread far enough apart so that
her cunt is accessable to your hand. Curl your hand into a fist with your
middle finger sticking out and reach down between her legs and gently slide
it upward. Doing this will accomplish several different things. First, it
will seperate her cunt hairs. If you don’t get them seperated, it will be
painful for the Bitch, so make sure you do it enough times so that your
finger slides smoothly from the bottom to the top of her cunt. It will will
also open her cunt lips, and it will expose her clitoris (clit) so that you
can start to rub it.

As your finger travels from the bottom of her cunt lips to the top,
you will notice two things. First her cunt will be wet. Second at the top
of her cunt lips there will be a piece of skin that slightly hangs out or
may even seem a little bit swollen. That is her Clit! That is the magic
button of her pussy!

Take two fingers and slide them back down to her cunt lips and insert
them just far enough into her cunt to get them wet. Now slide them back up
to her clit and rub it from side to side. Do not rub it up and down! You
will know when you are doing it right, because the Bitch will start to
groan with extreme PLEASURE! You may also alternate by rubbing in a
circular pattern. Keep in mind that the Bitch is getting close to achieving
an ORGASM (Getting her rocks off). At this moment, if she hasn’t already
done so, take her hand and place it on your prick so that she can start to
give you mutual pleasure. Be sure to whisper to her ‘OH GOD! LOOK AT HOW
HOT YOU HAVE MADE ME!’ This will enhance her sexual and animal desires even
more! Let her know just how WONDERFUL your body is begining feel. Keep
rubbing her Clit, and keep kissing and caressing entire body. The moment

As soon as she finishes getting her rocks off, keep hugging and
kissing her!

Reassure her about how much you love her and what a wonderful
experience you enjoyed with her. Do NOT let her feel guilty about it,
because the BEST is about to happen! You are now going to try to FUCK this
HOT little Bitch!

HEADING FOR HOME PLATE

If you have properly followed ALL of the steps, there is no reason
that the Bitch will refuse to let you FUCK her. After all, you serviced her
well, and it is now time for her to repay you for what you did for her. If
she hasn’t already unzipped your fly and pulled your prick out, do not
hesitate to do it for her. Take her hand and wrap it around your cock, and
show her how to move it up and down so that it feels best for you. Do not
let her rub it too much, because you will soon need it for BIGGER and
BETTER things.

While the Bitch is rubbing your cock, you should be rubbing and
squeezing her tits, and again rubbing her pussy. By now, her Clit is very
sensitive, so you should now insert one finger directly into her cunt and
concentrate on an area often refered to as the ‘G’ spot. It is inside her
pussy and since pussies are like snow flakes (no two are alike) the ‘G’
spot can be located almost anywhere inside. You will need the Bitch to
inform you when you have located her inner sensitive spot. After a few
minutes of fingering her pussy, once again rub her Clit in a side to side,
and circular motion. Do this until she has one more orgasm. The moment has
now arrived! You can now FUCK her!

INSERTING YOUR PRICK INTO HER PUSSY

It is now time for your reward if you followed your game plan
properly! By now this Bitch should be BEGGING to get fucked, but if she
isn’t, do not dismay! It doesn’t mean that you won’t get laid, it just
means that you may have to use a few TRICKS of the trade to get what you
want from her. You should now have the Bitch totally undressed from her
waist down. This means that her pants, pantihose and undies should be
totally off of her body! If she objects to this simply assure her that this

Many younger females have an extremely tight pussy, so the SECRET to
being able insert your cock into her is LUBRICATION! Most inexperienced
females are afraid of having their cunt soaked with things like baby oil,
so the next best item that you have is your spit. While you are hugging her
with one of your arms, discretly put as much spit as you can onto the
fingers of your other hand, and smear it all over her cunt. Get her pussy
as juicy as you can, so that penetration will not be a problem.

The next and final step is really easier that you would think. Simply
hug the Bitch and pull her as close to you as you can. Make sure that you
slide your leg between her legs as you do this.

Your body should now be laying directly on top of her. Without any
hesitation, you should slide your other leg between her legs, and spread
hers far apart! Now is the EXACT time to lunge your cock forward toward her
warm and wet hole! You probably will have to direct your cock with your
hand until you find the opening of her gash. Just move your cock up and
of the way in! By now, the Bitch may object to getting fucked, but there is
nothing she can do or say about it.

To alleviate her from having a panic attack, simply assure her that
you PROMISE not to CUM inside of her. Help her to forget her fears. Ask her
about how GOOD her pussy is feeling. Ask the Bitch if you are humping her
too hard.

Keep the humping rhythm going at a pace that she seems to enjoy. If
she is not humping back, simply slide your hand under her ass and pull her
toward you each time you thrust forward into her. She will soon understand
what she should be doing to mutually please and satisfy both you and her.

Remember that a woman’s cunt gives her the same amount of PLEASURE
that a prick gives a guy, so sensual pleasures are received by both you and
the Bitch.

HOW TO PROPERLY FUCK A WOMAN

Fucking a woman properly is a complicated process. It is much more
complex than just shoving your cock in and out of her cunt until you blow
your load! If you fuck a woman properly, she will BEG for it again and
again. You can turn a Bitch into your personal sex slave once you have
mastered the art of sexually satisfying a female. The most important asset
that you can use when you are fucking a Bitch is ‘CONTROL’. Your prick
rubbing inside of her cunt will give the female an orgasm as strong and
powerful as a male! Believe it!

If you stuff your prick into some Bitch’s pussy and blow your load in
thirty seconds, I can guarantee you that you will never fuck that Bitch
again unless she has recently had Electrical shock treatments.

The secret to fucking a Bitch properly is simply to keep humping,
fondling, and kissing her until she CUMS! Yup! Broads CUM too, just like
guys, but they can CUM more than once! If you keep fucking a Bitch, she
will CUM three, four or five times! It may take her a couple of minutes
between each orgasm, but it WILL happen if you keep fucking her! If you
word ‘CONTROL’ comes into play.

HOW TO PRACTICE CONTROL

Control simply means preventing yourself from CUMMING. It isn’t easy.
but it can be accomplished by two different methods. The first method is
physical. When you start to get the feeling that you are about to CUM, you
should FORCE yourself like you are trying to PISS. It isn’t easy, but it
works. Your prick is HARD so you won’t be able to piss, but the bodily
function of straining to piss will send a message to your BALLS that you
don’t to ‘SHOOT YOUR WAD’ yet.

The second method to prevent you from CUMMING is mental. This means
that you have to STOP thinking about what you are doing, and think about
something that has NOTHING to do with sex. Think about a problem or some
situation that you are currently dealing with. Get your mind off of the
fact that you are having sex because it will only excite you, and that will
make you cum.

CONTROL is the ‘SEXUAL SECRET’ to being THE GUY that every Bitch wants
to LAY!

Once you have mastered this technique, you will DESIRED by every Bitch
who has heard about your STAYING powers, and believe me, Bitches do gossip
about shit like this, so your sexual reputation will rapidly grow!

YOU ARE NOW READY TO BLOW YOUR LOAD!

You are now humping and thumping your Bitch. She has CUM several times
and it is now time for you to ‘BLOW YOUR LOAD’, but you must first ask the
Bitch if she is currently taking Birth Control pills. If she is, Go for
IT!!!!!!

3 Responses to “How to Get a Female to Let You Fuck Her!”

  1. Someone has seen Tom Cruise’s role in Magnolia WAYYYYYYYYY too many times.

  2. This dude is retarded

  3. Ha ha ha, I haven’t laughed so much in ages. What a twat!

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