Hooooboy.
Asslint. Ass lint. With an address like that, one might imagine a panty fetish site? Or maybe something more obscure… a fixation with having your bunghole filled with cotton balls?
I wanted to know because I know you wanted to know. And now that I know, are you sure you really want to know? Because I think I’m gonna have to let you down. Heartbreaking, isn’t it?
… Quit moping. This IS what you came to AwfulPorn for, right?
To be fair, this isn’t exactly awful. I mean, to say that would indicate witnessing something that would make one flinch and gag. Perhaps something so grotesque it would even trigger the olfactory senses to attest the repugnancy of the sight. But no. It’s more along the lines of really, really, insanely, intensely boring. Since I have been let down so hard, however, by what I hoped to be a mind opening voyage into a fetish unknown to me, and my cock left flaccid and unused, I will extend to you the oppurtunity to not humiliate yourselves (and your wallet) like I have.
Once inside this tiny fortress of sexual banality, you will be offered a bold and proud menu of what is offered here.
Photo Galleries: A superlative collection of dreary and repetitive photos await to assault your senses among three categories. They are (shout ‘em if you can guess ‘em!) AMATEUR!!! HARDCORE!!! BLOWJOBS!!! Entering any one of these will bring you to a collection of small thumbnails containing mildly interesting people or scenes. Also, entering any one of these will bring you to THE SAME DAMN COLLECTION! Alright, maybe they got pictures that needed to be looked at soooo much that they decided to lump everything together and give you three ways to get there… from the same page. Ever the brave horndog, I plowed on. Saw a pretty smile, clicked away. Wow. I got ten more thumbnails. All of the same girl, I guess. I could see her face in a few of them, and her body in others. Sometimes she’s sucking dick, sometimes she’s getting fucked. Whatever. Click Back, click Back, try again. Oooh, she looks cute with that cum all over her face. Eight thumbnails. Lots of smiling, lots of lingerie, lots of lack of imagination. She gets kinda naked in the fourth to last pic, and then she’s sucking dick.
Hm. Yawn.
What’s next? Oooooh, yeah.
XXX Movies: Squeeee! I love me some motion. But, I was afraid. I mean, none of these flicks had a thumbnail to go with them. How could I know what I was getting myself into? It’s just a bunch of filenames.
Well, I went for it anyway, and basically every single one was a 15 second clip of whatever, each more uninspiring than the last.
If I feel a need to hear some guy croon in a girly voice, asking to stick his fingers somewhere, I’ll know where to go!
Live shows: So, all the models were too busy to show me their tits. Had they not been, I’m sure I would have only been greeted with some bruised up girl living in Amsterdam that was way too skinny from all the coke she’d been snorting to stay up all day and night to do cam shows to support her coke habit. I was offered a link to prerecorded feeds, though, and was delighted to find that it opened up a little box that didn’t show me anything but related search engine results of camshows!
Adult Chat: Woots. I got two whole chat rooms on this page! Decisions, decisions. So, I went with numero uno. And I waited. And waited. And waited. After my beard grew another inch, I decided it was time to call it quits. There would be no interaction today.
And the final chapter,
Erotic Stories: This section had plenty of content, but it certainly didn’t have anything as creative as the story about Three Billy Goats Gruff (see entry about AmericanCatFighting.com). I wasn’t much into reading, though. I have Douglas Adams for that. So, I went on to discover the pertinent information. What will it cost you to witness this drudgery? And what exactly does the site say you’ll get for it?
Let’s see how exciting they can make it sound.
* Over 1,000,000 hot Series-Pics! (Hot and boring!)
* 5,500+ Diffrent Models! (All doing the same thing!)
* Exclusive HomeGrown Movies (Exclusive to some other site!)
* 4,000+ Pics Added Every Week! (The sexiest tripe around!)
* Updated 5 times weekly! (With absolute schlock!)
* 12 Themed Categories of Images (Twelve divided by four, that is!)
* All Images Have Thumbnails (Congratulations! Some effort was made!)
* All Series Are Zipped (And your pants will stay the same way!)
* Searchable Model Index (Search for models that aren’t even there!)
* E-Zines & Live Feeds with Chat (E-zine: the nice way to say spam!)
* Lightning-Fast Servers! (Instantly shuttling you to nowhere!)
* Models All-Exclusive to Us! (Elvis has left the building…)
* All This and Much More! (Yes, there are the erotic stories!)
Alright. Time to shill out the paper or the plastic. What’s it gonna be?
$29.95 for one month (let it soak in a bit)…(that’s good) OR $69.95 for three months! I can’t believe it! A deal so good, it’s scandalous! Right.
The only thing I want to get ripped off from dealing with this place is my penis. Better to be ill equipped than to make some mistakes twice!
Click here to visit AssLint.com and come back to tell us how awful it is!
