HeatherHeels.com

"No airbrushed supermodel here. This girl is fucking perverted!"


What... Supermodels can't be perverted?


Anyway, I think she is a decent looking girl and I dig her tattoos.
But if you think she is hot enough to spend your money on. Don't waste your time.
$30 will only get you five 10 minute videos and one photoset.

AssLint.com

Hooooboy.

Asslint. Ass lint. With an address like that, one might imagine a panty fetish site? Or maybe something more obscure... a fixation with having your bunghole filled with cotton balls?

I wanted to know because I know you wanted to know. And now that I know, are you sure you really want to know? Because I think I'm gonna have to let you down. Heartbreaking, isn't it?

... Quit moping. This IS what you came to AwfulPorn for, right?

To be fair, this isn't exactly awful. I mean, to say that would indicate witnessing something that would make one flinch and gag. Perhaps something so grotesque it would even trigger the olfactory senses to attest the repugnancy of the sight. But no. It's more along the lines of really, really, insanely, intensely boring. Since I have been let down so hard, however, by what I hoped to be a mind opening voyage into a fetish unknown to me, and my cock left flaccid and unused, I will extend to you the oppurtunity to not humiliate yourselves (and your wallet) like I have.

Once inside this tiny fortress of sexual banality, you will be offered a bold and proud menu of what is offered here.

Photo Galleries: A superlative collection of dreary and repetitive photos await to assault your senses among three categories. They are (shout 'em if you can guess 'em!) AMATEUR!!! HARDCORE!!! BLOWJOBS!!! Entering any one of these will bring you to a collection of small thumbnails containing mildly interesting people or scenes. Also, entering any one of these will bring you to THE SAME DAMN COLLECTION! Alright, maybe they got pictures that needed to be looked at soooo much that they decided to lump everything together and give you three ways to get there... from the same page. Ever the brave horndog, I plowed on. Saw a pretty smile, clicked away. Wow. I got ten more thumbnails. All of the same girl, I guess. I could see her face in a few of them, and her body in others. Sometimes she's sucking dick, sometimes she's getting fucked. Whatever. Click Back, click Back, try again. Oooh, she looks cute with that cum all over her face. Eight thumbnails. Lots of smiling, lots of lingerie, lots of lack of imagination. She gets kinda naked in the fourth to last pic, and then she's sucking dick.
Hm. Yawn.

What's next? Oooooh, yeah.

XXX Movies: Squeeee! I love me some motion. But, I was afraid. I mean, none of these flicks had a thumbnail to go with them. How could I know what I was getting myself into? It's just a bunch of filenames.

Well, I went for it anyway, and basically every single one was a 15 second clip of whatever, each more uninspiring than the last.

If I feel a need to hear some guy croon in a girly voice, asking to stick his fingers somewhere, I'll know where to go!

Live shows: So, all the models were too busy to show me their tits. Had they not been, I'm sure I would have only been greeted with some bruised up girl living in Amsterdam that was way too skinny from all the coke she'd been snorting to stay up all day and night to do cam shows to support her coke habit. I was offered a link to prerecorded feeds, though, and was delighted to find that it opened up a little box that didn't show me anything but related search engine results of camshows!

Adult Chat: Woots. I got two whole chat rooms on this page! Decisions, decisions. So, I went with numero uno. And I waited. And waited. And waited. After my beard grew another inch, I decided it was time to call it quits. There would be no interaction today.

And the final chapter,

Erotic Stories: This section had plenty of content, but it certainly didn't have anything as creative as the story about Three Billy Goats Gruff (see entry about AmericanCatFighting.com). I wasn't much into reading, though. I have Douglas Adams for that. So, I went on to discover the pertinent information. What will it cost you to witness this drudgery? And what exactly does the site say you'll get for it?

Let's see how exciting they can make it sound.

* Over 1,000,000 hot Series-Pics! (Hot and boring!)
* 5,500+ Diffrent Models! (All doing the same thing!)
* Exclusive HomeGrown Movies (Exclusive to some other site!)
* 4,000+ Pics Added Every Week! (The sexiest tripe around!)
* Updated 5 times weekly! (With absolute schlock!)
* 12 Themed Categories of Images (Twelve divided by four, that is!)
* All Images Have Thumbnails (Congratulations! Some effort was made!)
* All Series Are Zipped (And your pants will stay the same way!)
* Searchable Model Index (Search for models that aren't even there!)
* E-Zines & Live Feeds with Chat (E-zine: the nice way to say spam!)
* Lightning-Fast Servers! (Instantly shuttling you to nowhere!)
* Models All-Exclusive to Us! (Elvis has left the building...)
* All This and Much More! (Yes, there are the erotic stories!)

Alright. Time to shill out the paper or the plastic. What's it gonna be?

$29.95 for one month (let it soak in a bit)...(that's good) OR $69.95 for three months! I can't believe it! A deal so good, it's scandalous! Right.

The only thing I want to get ripped off from dealing with this place is my penis. Better to be ill equipped than to make some mistakes twice!

AmericanCatFighting.com

'"Good morning, littlest billygoat Gruff!" the troll roared. "I'm going to eat you all up!" "Oh, would you, Mr. Troll? I haven't been eaten in so long! Ithink I would just love to feel your tongue all over me!" The littlestbillygoat was just full of young goat juices, and he was alreadywiggling his hips in anticipation.'


Ha. Yeah. That's an excerpt from one of the "erotic" stories at AmericanCatFighting. It was perhaps the most interesting thing on the site, as I spent more time reading it than I did looking at the randomly assorted sets of lumpy women pulling each other's hair, barbarian chicks with square tits, and porn from the early 90's featuring models with severe perms and too much makeup.

True to its name, AmericanCatFighting is all American, with a very unfortunate red, white, and blue theme and kitschy fireworks gifs. Also, most of the catfighting takes place in the videos section and seems about as interesting as cats laying in the sun.

Luckily, the owner seems to have foreseen the likelihood of boredom setting in and gave you an Adult Games link, which will lead you to a page with four naughty puzzles and a link to a joke site! And to further alleviate any blood slowing, eye glazing attempts on your interest in the world around you, there is an Other Fun Stuff link which leads to a page... with, uh, four naughty puzzles... and a link... to a joke site. *sigh*

If you're still not completely fascinated, you can always check out their adverts for Crackwhore Confessions. I'm sure that's scintillating in a tragic sort of way.

So, what would you expect to pay for a site that offers BOTH catfighting, wrestling, and foxy boxing?

Why, only $8.95 for the first 30 days, and $19.95 for every 30 thereafter!

Baaaaaaa.

keiramodel.com

I was a bit torn over this website because I think the model is cute and it has a decent amount of content. But, I was incredibly bored when looking at her photos. Many of them are poor quality, bad lighting, and often feature a messy house in the background. And many of the sets she has this totally expressionless face. It seems like in some newer sets she has learned to smile more and got better with her poses.

She also never really takes off her panties. I'm usually ok with this but it just led to all the photos really seeming to be sort of the same.

Also, why pose with a dildo if you are not going to use it?

There has only been one photoset uploaded so far this year, so updates seem to be sparse, but it does appear that she does cam shows on a regular basis. I was unable to catch one so I don't know how good they are.

Overall, I just don't think it's worth the price.

Price: 24.95 first month
$19.95 recurring

JerseyGirls.com

I don't know about everyone else, but when I think of beautiful women, my mind always drifts to the new jersey shore.

Finally a site dedicated to the beautiful women of New Jersey.

Hmm are they really from NJ?

Here is a "bio" of a model who's photoset included palm trees.. are there palm trees in New Jersey?

"I am a true Jersey Shore girl. Being from the shore I still have trouble with the whole thing of not being aloud to bath in the nude. I love the feeling of warmth on my shaved little pussy. Oooh, just thinking about it makes me wet. In my spare time I like to write, and draw pictures of my friends getting it on. I am Bi-Sexual and love to have 3somes, and sometimes I'll let a few guys fuck me until my twat is sore."

Right, I'm sure that was written by her.

So aside from all the silliness, the site is not as exciting as the tour would lead you to believe. There are about 14 models with a couple photosets each. and it hasn't been updated since december 05.

Price: $2.95 for 3 day trial - $24.95 recurring monthly.

Extreembooty.com

Alright! I like booty! And this site proclaims to have the "freshest ass on the web"
Fucking awesome.. I really like fresh ass!

The homepage also says "As a member you'll see me and my girlfriends spread our pussies and assholes wide open during our NASTY photo and video shoots. You'll also be able to join us as we get-off on our WEBCAM!"

Ok! I'm sold!

Well don't get your hopes up.
- The members section has 6 photosets which are half broken.
- The web cam does not exist and nothing in listed in the calendar.
- The diary does not exist.
- The store does not exist.
- There are no movies

Price: $4.95 for a 3 day trial and $19.99 recurring every 30 days

Erinslegscene.com

Erin is probably a real nice girl, and I guess it's neat that she designed and maintains her crappy looking site all by herself, but i'd think after all these years maybe she could figure out how to make it look a bit nicer and easier to navigate.

I had to keep checking the date on the sets because she looks like a stripper that walked out of 1992. Erin.. PLEASE get a makeover.

Price, $19.95 for 30 days - $17.95 recurring

Enemas.com

Ok, there are some things out there that I am sure probably feel really good. But this does not mean they need to be shown to the world. Enemas are one of those things. It's not sexy, ESPECIALLY chocolate enemas.

Price: $24.95 monthly

HollyBody.com

Bad tits, bad photography, bad hair, bad tan.

I wish that is all I had to say about this awful porn site.
Holly probably should have ended her career before it started, or at least not done this silly web site. It has not been updated since 2003, and most of the content was posted in 1999.. although much looks older than that..

There are about 50 or so photosets of poor quality, some sample clips from movies she has been in. Nothing in the nude chat page, and nothing in the body shop.

You would think that is bad enough, but as a way to entice people to pay for this crappy website. YOU CAN WIN A DATE WITH HOLLY!!! and she will even pay for everything!
All you have to do is keep your membership for 4 months and you will be entered into the contest!.... yeah right.. I wonder how long this "contest" has been running. Not to mention it is totally an illegal lottery.

Do us a favor Holly and go back in time to end your career before it started.

Price:
$21.95 for one month or
$3.95 trial + $14.95 monthly
Note - Join page says CCBill and has the CCBill logo - but links go to IBill.

wyldchild.com

WyldChild.com
Ok, I won't talk too much shit here because the site is free.. So you can't expect too much. But umm.. what is the point of this site? and why are they so excited about their new christmas galleries?

JohnHolmes.com

For all the legend that John Holmes is, I don't think I have ever seen one of his films. But don't get your hopes up because you can't even watch more than a few short clips here. Also included are some crappy games, pictures, and random info about John Holmes



Price:

$19.95 Monthly

Clowngirls.com

I hate it when websites have a tour that is totally different than what you will find in the members area. With a name like clowngirls.com and some photos of some girls in clown makeup and faygo soda in the tour (i am guessing that is an ICP reference) I would expect nothing but clown girls inside the site. Wrong, there are a couple clown sets and videos.. and about 90% is just regular photos. The photos were nice, but probably a huge dissapointment to people who are looking for clown porn.

Price:
$15 30 day trial - $10 monthly after that

TinyLisa.com

"Home of Porn's skinniest webgirl!"

Well, she is skinny and petite, i wouldnt say she is THE skinniest though.

Lisa is cute, and inside there are about 20 short video clips and 10 photosets
but don't get your hopes up on seeing anything new, the site has not been updated since 2001. I feel bad for anyone who payed for a 6 month membership for content you can go through in an hour.

Price:
$14.99 monthly
$38.99 3 months
$65.99 6 months

AprilsBodyShop.com

Oh my, it has been so long since i have done some reviews, but looking at all this awful porn was starting to take its toll on me. I was unable to sleep properly at night as the horrible images i witnessed flashed before my eyes again and again. My doctor suggested I take a break and now i feel much better.

So, On to the review.



This is the official April Arikssen website. I do not know who she is, but she is your standard looking blond porn model with large fake breasts. Her members section contains about 40 photosets or so and one boring video clip with no sound.

The part that bugged me though is on her join page it says "I have a new gallery updated each week and one new girlfriend each month" Maybe that was true at one time, but this site has not been updated since 2003.

I also was quite amused at this amazing feature the site provides:
"All my images in jpeg format which makes for excellent compression and faster downloading."
Oh hell yeah, I will sign right up! all them other sites are still using ASCII. I want this new jpg technology!

Price:
$19.95 monthly

FirstFingers.com

These kind of sites really piss me off.
First they try to convey a sense of urgency by saying you can only get your password until midnight tonight. Right, I assure you they say this every night. No porn site is going to stop selling passwords after midnight, it's really stupid to try and convince people that you will.

Then it says membership is 100% free! - with your vip pass membership.. which if you read the small print costs you $39.95 PLUS a $1.50 processing fee.

My god.. the $40 they are taking from you isn't enough and they have to charge a processing fee?

The content is pretty lame.
the videos are just through porndvddirect.com
There are about 20 girls with photos
and a bunch of silly erotic stories.

Definately not worth $40

CamCamRoom.com

When you visit this site you quickly get the impression that the main attraction is the cam models. But when you sign up and log in, the links just lead you to cams provided by streamray.. similar to what you see Here for free.

Aside from that, there is 100 galleries of mostly crappy photos.

It wouldn't be so bad if there was more to the site and it wasn't called the camcamroom. But to charge people $40 a month for this is pretty overboard.

Price:
$2.95 - 2 day trial - Rebills at $39.95 monthly. + additional fees to buy time with cam models.

HipToHeel.com

50,000 photos!
Movies WITH SOUND!
Daily updates!

Ok great! so why do i only see 6 photosets inside?
and when you click join.. you go to a toon porn site.
weird.

CFNMzone.com

Ok.. I can't say that this site is awful aside from their crappy design.
But i just had to post this because it is a concept i totally do not understand.
CFNM stands for Clothed Female Nude Male. This site is dedicated to nude guys hanging out with clothed girls. Every guy I know prefers their girls naked. In fact.. I think it would kinda suck to chill with a bunch of girls when i was the only one naked.

Different strokes for different folks i guess.

CharlieLaine.com

I think that Charlie Laine is damn cute, and she is even from my home state of Wisconsin!
One problem though, once you spend your hard earned money to get inside, there are only 6 photosets and one video. The video was posted on 1-23-02 and the last photo update was 4-28-03.

I think it is time to take the site down if you can't update it anymore.

Price:
$14.95 for one month

MassiveHangers.com

Not only does this site feature tons of crappy random photos of girls who may or may not have "massive hangers". They also claim to update daily when the date on the photos is July 2001.

Price:
They advertise a price of $9.95
but when you go to pay it is actually $14.99

helpless.virtualsins.com

This site has a really crappy and annoying design. All the photos are not really organized in any particular way, no photosets.. just random photos. and although they say it is updated daily, it appears the site has not been updated in a very long time.

Price:
$4.95 - 7 day trial
$9.95 - 30 days non-recurring
$7.95 - monthly

BitchIsland.com

This site kinda creeped me out. It is basically this long story about "Bitch Island" and has artwork to go along with the story. The artwork is odd and kinda weirded me out. Even though the tour area talks about female domination, most of the images inside the site feature cocks photoshopped onto the girls. So i would think that transexual domination would be more fitting.

Ugh... I am still weirded out by these photos.. I need to go find some good porn to look at.

Price:
$4.95 - 2 day trial
$14.95 - 30 days
$12.95 first month and $9.95 each month after.

SpacePorno.com

What would you expect for a domain name like SpacePorno.com?
Maybe some aliens or space like things perhaps? I certainly did not expect an older lady who likes to pee. I would really like to meet whoever thought this domain name and this woman would be a good pair.

Upon logging in you are greeted by this

You would think that if they can make a slick tour, they could spend 5 minutes on an index page for the members area.

Have fun surfing the amateur content, but don't expect anything new, the site has not been updated since January 2001.

Price:
9.95 one week trial
$29.95 Monthly
$59.95 every 3 months.

Erotic-Games.com

What the hell kind of moron would pay for this site?
All of the software listed is freeware or shareware, which means you can find it for free everywhere else.

Stupid.

Price:
$9.95 for 30 days.

UdderValleyRanch.com

Ok, in looking at this site I couldn't really decide if i should laugh uncontrollably or puke on my monitor. I ended up just staring in disbelief.

I am pretty much speechless, except i notice the webmaster rides in an Escalade, so people must like his site, only i am not sure what kind of people.

You decide.

Price:
$24.95 month

PlumperSex.com

Oh lordy, another bad fat porn site.
This one advertises 10,000 photos and 2,000 movies

Well, inside is a horrible design and about 27 galleries of really nasty fat pics and some preggo pics

None of the movies work

:puke:

Price:
$1.95 Three day trial
$29.95 monthly
$39.95 Three months

RearEnd.com

Whoever told this guy that he has "THE HOTTEST GALLERY OF BUTTS and ASS" needs to be kicked in the head. The design of this site is horrible, everything is links on one page centered down the middle in yellow or white text on black and various font sizes.

This site gives me a headache, and there isn't really all that much interesting content.

Price: $2.95 Three day trial
$9.95 monthly

OldAmats.com

"YOU LIKE HARDCORE STUFF FROM OLD & MATURE CHICKENS?"
"HOTTEST MATURE HARDCORE ACTION! LEADING OLD CHICKEN SITE ON THE WEB!!!"
"REAL DIRTY & NASTY MATURE PEOPLES HERE!!! NO BULLSHIT!!!"

Chickens? I know people often call women chicks, but not chickens, at least around here... it just doesnt sound right.

"Be ready to see now thousands of real nasty mature Amateurs NOW!"

Well, I counted 63 ladies.. I think they are a little short somewhere because that is not thousands.

$9.95 5 day trial
$29.95 monthly

SarahMercury.com

Sarah Mercury is a busty girl with 38JJ breasts, and even though you can see her face in the guest area, for some reason in the members side her eyes are blurred out or covered in a mask. I really don't understand the point of obscuring your face when you are on a porn site. If you can't deal with people seeing you on a porn site, then don't do porn.

The site says they update 3 times a week, but there are very few sets on the site. you can go through it all in a few minutes. and the video section is just licensed stuff from massivemellons.com.

You are better off just taking the free tour.

Price:
$19.95 first month
$12.95 each additional month

Toon-Babes.net

Super Hot Cartoon Sex Acts!
Cartoon Hardcore!
The Nastiest Bitches Ever To Be Drawn!

Right.
So why is it that when i log in, most of what I see is just normal porn?
Even in the tour, half the photos are just images of real people.
wtf is wrong with these people?
Cripes, if you want to make a cartoon website, buy some damn cartoon content!

Price:
$1.95 Three day trial
$39.95 Monthly